We Need Co-Regulation to be able to Self-Regulate
With Humans, Land, Animals and Plants.
All human beings have the potential to be autonomous sovereign independent beings, free
to act and respond in a centred compassionate and grounded way from our own knowing.
We are the master of our needs; after all, only we can understand for ourselves fully what our body and mind are communicating to us, and only we can choose to act on our passions and desires and live the life that we want from a place of embodied self-understanding.
When this is the truth of our potential why do we see so many people doubting their selves, not fulfilling their potential, or living in a way that is incongruent with what they know is possible, or are constantly relying on outside opinions or reflections from the world and others for what to do.
What we need to remember and recognise is that at our core, humans are social beings and on a physiological level we need the safety of others to be able to feel safe within ourselves.
We need co-regulation to be able to self-regulate
Something I have often experienced when in certain group settings and sitting in circle with
others, where there is a clear intention to deepening taking place, is that at some point it
feels like someone is missing. That there are less people there. What I see happening is that
a group coherence has come into play and co-regulation is happening.
This co-regulation allows a deep sense of relaxation, safety and rest.
What I then witness within this co-regulation, is that the individuals within the group shine
brighter.
Sadly, much of society at large and how we socialise doesn’t give us the room for this sense
of co-regulation.
Noisy over crowded environments, that fundamentally stop us fully dropping into the parasympathetic nervous system*, numbing and habitual activities such as over consumption of alcohol, watching television which disconnects us from each other, or quite simply not having a clear intent of why we are coming together or a willingness to scratch beneath the surface of ‘I’m fine’.
People share opinions or facts, make judgements or constantly rely on what others are telling them, rather than embodying or enquiring for themselves what they know to be true.
All have the seeming effect of being together or find reassurance, but without the co-regulatory deeply relaxing sense of safety that we truly need to be able to wholly go off by ourselves again and feel grounded and centred.
This leads to so much of the deep loneliness that is present in the world, and so few truly recognise the deeply satisfying and nourishing experience of aloneness; a wholly different experience to loneliness.
With more and more ‘noise’ in the world in an increasingly dis-regulated society, where
people are driven by opinions and beliefs often from the mind rather than bodily connection,
it is becoming more important than ever that we have safe quiet spaces to come together
clearly, slowly and compassionately.
To find space and refection where you come into your own knowing rather than leaning on the opinions of others and playing out and repeating belief patterns.
We need space to come to rest with each other. To feel seen, held and heard by another or
others, to come into true connection with who we are and what wants to shine from us.
And this need for co-regulation extends beyond the need for human connection, but from the natural world too; from land, from plants, from animals. Our energy system physically shifts when we are in nature, the effects of standing barefoot on the earth is physical exchange of nourishment that our bodies have evolved to need.
Taking walks in the woods or other quiet places in nature, sharing a simple quiet slow meal
with loved ones, offering massage and other body-based touch exchanges, dancing,
singing, full belly laughing in safe nourishing environments… all with an intention of allowing the space, allowing the silence and not just filling it up with the constant chatter of the mind, are all valuable for finding the calm we need.
I see this again and again in my work, holding space with the plants; simply witnessing another to be heard and seen is a gentle yet potent way to guide them back into self regulation, and from here find the wisdom and direction they need.
In this way I don’t tell you what to do, but simply hold the space, sharing my own lived experience and the wisdom I have found through this. Incorporating simple touch, and the regulating effects that the plants can provide for us, I can guide you back into you.
It’s pretty simple really, but we do need support, we do need guidance and we 100% do need other, real people who see us and care for us.
My work with the plants is utterly in surrender to guiding, supporting and seeing others in the vulnerability, their strength and their wholeness.